This is something I wrote a while back. Still holds true. :)
"In the name of desperation, I call your name. A lamentation I sigh, again and again."
Yeah... Something like that. There is no hope for humanity. We, as people, are sludge, slime, grit, and garbage, boiling and mingling with each other, further decaying ourselves, eachother, and our world. There are a few people who exist outside of the sludge, but it's a lottery in humanity, odds so slim to find one of these people that to spend your life looking would make you a fool. Oh well, I'm a fool, and so are you.
There's no fucking hope for humanity. A few shining starts can't give credence enough to escape the eternal nighttime that exists within a void. We are the void. People, humanity. Who are we to stain the world with our existence, our constant mental anguish, our emotional shortcomings and our spiritual impotence?
People make me sick. All of them. All of you. Me. Everyone. They make me sick. Violently ill. Go away. I have my sludge-pit, you have yours, and keep the fuck away from mine or I'll set you on fire, slice your throat, and throw you off a bridge.
"Do not turn your face towards me, confronting me with my loneliness. You are in a forest unknown, the secret orchard, and your voice is vast and achromatic, but still so precious."
Black Rose Immortal
Mood: hateful, epic, reminiscent
Music: Opeth - Black Rose Immortal
Posted at 05:57 pm by Riffs_of_Life
A dedication, to a beautiful soul.
I'd like to make this clear, that this... Declaration, this ideal, is for someone important to me, someone who means more to me than I can understand.
I realize now
someone is responsible for how I feel, it is not completely by my own volition
I am in love.
I am completely taken by a feeling, an understatement, a sentiment that i have never before experienced.
Someone who is unique, and beautiful, and incredible, has changed my life, irretrievably, for the better.
I am so in love with you, Kait, that I can't begin to explain.
I know I may not show it all the time, but I rarely allow my heart to feel for me.
I told you I sang a certain song, and surprised someone in my company. What they didn't know is that I nearly cried when I did it, that the insufferable compression of my voice by tears was nearly inescapable.
I have waited to tell you, waited to feel something stronger emotionally, when the changes in my life have not been emotional, but spiritual. I am completely in love with you. I cannot imagine a person in my life that I could imagine to care more about.
I would end my life, forever, if it would spare you a minute of pain. I would hold the bridge of the world across my shoulders, just to be sure you crossed safely. I would give up everything that defines my reality, my world, everything that makes me me, if I could save you just one minute of pain.
The injustices that have followed you throughout your life are unspeakably evil to me, and I seek nothing more than to fix them for you, to shelter you from pain, to fix your life, to absolve the things you feel sorry for, forever.
I love you, Kait, I completely love you, as much as I can ever understand myself to do so. I can't imagine what is in the future, what awaits, or what is inevitable, only what is true to me now, what defines me now.
Thanks to you... I have realized that I am not a bad person. I may be cruel, hateful, and honest to a fault, but it does not make me bad. It makes me honest, it makes me real. Even in my own eyes.
I wish I could tell you everything that you mean to me. I do not know the words to use. I cannot even imagine vocalization that comes anywhere close to the way you make me feel. My day is not complete without you, your absence makes my nights troubled, your pain is unbearable to me.
I so wish for you to be my victim, to have to change your life without volition, so I could save you from everything going on, so that I could shelter you from pain. I realize that the fact that you know pain, that you are not immature, is part of why I feel for you... but I would do anything to save you feom pain.
It brings out the worst in me, when you're not around, I miss the sound of your voice, the silence seems so loud, cause there's no one else, since I found you, I know its been so hard, you should know...
'If I die tomorrow, as the minutes fade away, I can't remember, have I said all I can say? you're my everything, you make me feel so alive... if I die tomorrow'
I cannot begin to explain my feelings... only that a part of me, deep within, was awakened by your presence, and is ever perverted by your absence. I will be everything I can be to you. I cannot fight how I feel.
Posted at 05:24 pm by Riffs_of_Life
buuuuurn. FIRE. FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE! *stab*
bah humbug. stab.
take a guess at how I feel.
Posted at 07:56 pm by Riffs_of_Life
fire, death, skulls covered by ashen remnants
That's about how I feel right now. I could choke, strangle, beat, kill... Wouldn't help any. I don't get upset like this often, I don't often see red. I usually do not get upset at all, and if I do, it blows over quickly. My pulse is still racing, my face is still hot, I can feel my blood simmering, although it's no longer boiling.
So what happened to make me this upset? I don't fucking know. I know a part of it. I know that before I came here, my life was pretty OK. I had to take pills that made me sick, that sucked, I had to deal with the drunk father-influence, that sucked... But I had a few friends, I was a technical wizard, and I had a ton of incredible opportunities, without even knowing it. I could have gone into marine biology, like I always wanted, go study in San Diego... Just have a nice, normal, geeky life. But no. I had to take a chance.
Before I was 15, I left my long-time home of middle-eastern California, an area just to the west of South Lake Tahoe. I left because I thought it could be fun to take a vacation to a place I'd never been before. I didn't know it would be a permanent vacation.
Long story short, I was bounced around to 13 different houses within a 2 year period. After tossing the drunk father influence, I was confronted with what turned out later to be a meth-shooting one. Started up a computer company, only to find out later that it was a "front" for funds and contacts in a small drug underground.
I left. Maui. Hawaii. 3000 miles away from anything negative in my life, a whole world away... I still came back.
Three years I have been stuck in this shithole town of Dolan Springs, Arizona. There is no work here, there are no people my age, no scene to be a part of, and nothing in the way of recreation. My daily commute is at least seventy-two miles, just to get into Kingman and back. How many of you spend at least $200 per month on gas just so you can get to work, bust your ass for 10-12 hours a day, and go home, with little more than a few extras to show for it?
I have worked for more than twenty-four hours straight, I have done double and triple shifts, I have worked jobs that weren't even of my design, everything from door to door sales to dishwashing, and I have never gotten even remotely ahead.
My entire adult life has been bailing water out of a ship with a bucket full of holes. A terrible cliche, but that's the only way to say it. That is how my life has been.
I have been presented with freedom, yes, a way out of this gloomy puddle I have trapped myself in, but I am as of yet incapable of dealing with the consequence of my moving. I get a choice. I can leave the life that I know and hate, and go back to California, with the chance of making it better, or I can stay here, keep meandering along, and hope I don't kill myself.
When I was growing up, it's safe to say I was pretty spoiled. I got whatever I wanted, I never heard "We can't afford it." Noone ever mentioned anything to me about a budget or allocating funds. Sometimes things were thin, sure, but I never noticed. I took the blinders off when I was 15 and had to start taking responsibility for myself, but I wouldn't see the full light of things until I left and was really out on my own in Hawaii. Since then, this 'adulthood' has been in my face, every minute of every day. Bills pile up, debts dig themselves in deeper, my house falls into a deeper state of decay. There is no way out. I can't live without working, I'll freeze or starve. There is so much work to do on, around, and in this house that I can't possibly get it all done. This place is so poorly insulated that even with 4 layers of socks on and thermally insulated slippers, my feet are numb from the cold. Our main source of heat is a woodstove in the back corner of the room that barely keeps half the house warmed, not including any of the bedrooms or bathrooms. For those of you who know anything about woodstoves or fireplaces, a cord of wood would last a 2500 sq foot house for 5 months and keep it warm. A cord of wood won't even last for a half year here. Henry's 208 (a roofing compound) can't keep the roof leaks away, the wind is so strong that when I patch one tear, 5 new ones form.
Now I want what everyone else wants. I want a genie and a magic lamp, a billion dollar lottery ticket, someone to just take me away from this hell. I can't take it anymore. The other day I drank too much and too fast and got my first taste of alcohol poisoning. Vomitting blood flashed a warning sign in my head, but only by an intellectual means. Intellectually, I can see that it's a stupid thing to keep doing what I do. However... it's likely I will someday soon drink myself to an early grave.
Posted at 08:09 pm by Riffs_of_Life
Hello again, blog-readers.
Good morning, blog-readers.
Imagine for a minute, the reprocussions of a natural disaster, which I'm sure in the future will be remembere as "The Tsunami of '04". So impersonal... I don't know anyone directly affected by it, but I know they exist.
One-hundred fifty-thousand plus people died... I can't even imagine it. As Americans, we look at 9/11 as our greatest tragedy, our biggest loss... But is that not also a selfish view? I feel for those who lost on that tragic September day, believe me. If you do not, just read my post. But not even the death of five thousand is comparable to the death of half a nation, over one-hundred fifty-thousand... From water, of all things.
There is a story going around, of a lady who had the choice of saving one of her children, and not the other. She let her oldest boy go, and clung to the youngest... I can't imagine.
Imagine yourself on your porch, water flowing over it , threatening to sweep you away, as you lean over your banister with both hands, grappling one of your children with each hand... You cannot pull yourself up, you cannot save them both... You know you must choose... How do you do it? Two children you birthed yourself, who you watched grow, who you love and cherish more than life itself, yet you know if you let go, you will all perish in the water. How do you choose?
I have never been forced to choose between one child or another, I have never watched my loved ones die in such a manner, I have never seen the faces of those who literally stumble across the bodies of their friends and loved ones as they continue their pursuit for life and medicine. I have never known a tragedy in my life to encompass what we have witnessed during the past week.
We live in a world where even the most minute of tragedies are met with steadfast help and love. If your house is destroyed, there is a company that will rebuild it.. your children will never go lost.
Noone here in the US has had to watch their children, their brothers and their sisters be swept away by the ocean. Noone in the states has ever lost half their family from a wave. Noone here has lost anyone because of high tide.
I know that I am not the only one who feels for these people, seeing as how national relief funds have contributed more even than the government has ($35 Million). I know that I am not the only one hurt or downtrodden by this event, and I know I will not be the only one who learns that misfortune is planet-wide, and if we are to make it through together as a race, we need to help and show compassion to our fellow man.
Whose cut would be so bad, if bandage by a friend?
Whose fever would be so bad, if it were cooled by the ice contributed by nations? Whose body would hurt as much, if it were cradled by all the people of the planet? And perhaps in the largest leap of all, who could suffer, at all, if he / she had a caring following and center of love, provided by those who wish well, even without having met those that they care about. Who would skip being taken care of for their lives, if only they needed take care of someone else for five minutes?
Just something to think about.
Posted at 09:15 pm by Riffs_of_Life
I hate my life, and I want to die.
hello blog readers.
This entry is called, I hate my life, and I want to die.
For stupid reasons... but for this entry, I will discuss the primary ones.
My life is going nowhere. I have no goals, no aspirations, no way to better my life other than to develop the skills I have so that I can get paid more for doing the work that I do. The good thing about being a line cook is that it's always in demand. The bad thing is that it's just being a line cook. Maybe if you work for years and years in one spot you can work up to being R&D for a corporation or a seus chef or the like, but even with a culinary school background and prior experience, it's difficult to get anywhere doing this kind of work.
The people in my life...
The people in my life include my family (my mother, sister, and brother in law, and somewhat in a detached sense, my incarcerated step father). The people in my life also include my friends, however few in number there are. That's not the point of this though. The people who are important to me in my life watch me from a distance, at different stages of understanding of what's going on with me, and what's happening with me. Those who have known me for ages know that I'm dying, slowly. Those who haven't known me for long, they end up stuck between being in awe of me, or ignoring me... There usually doesn't seem to be a middle ground. To those who I know in my physical/real life, they know they are among the few. I have fewer friends than I could count on 1 hand. My friends on the internet... that's a different story.
My net friends... In a way, you keep me sane, and in another way, you make me want to die. Those I have been involved with on a day to day basis, those I have been close to, those I have known for years, and years, and years... You see me, and while you won't say it, I think you pity me. You pity my life, my choices, and the fact that they are indeed my choices. I am not chained in any physical means ot this life that I have, but I refuse to escape it, I can't leave it, while all of you move on and grow and progress. It's always like it's the last day of summer and I'm stuck outside in the cold.
But why? Does any of this rationalize one's want to die?
No. Probably not. However, there is more.
If you sum this all up, it just means that my friends think I'm great, or that I suck. No big deal. Right.
I live in poverty. I do not make enough money per year to qualify even to fucking file taxes. Nor will I for some time, without a substantial pay increase. I can live on nearly nothing, I have lived in poverty for years, and a few small things are what makes my life worth living. My house, though... falling apart. I have roof leaks, it is roughly five degrees warmer inside than outside, my power fails quite often, my phone sometimes won't even work, and I can barely afford to keep my car running. But there's more, still more. I realize I am capable of more. I realize I can achieve a lot, and have tons of worthwhile accomplishments, but I won't. I think that's the most depressing part.
What could be worse than seeing an eagle, basking in sunlight, chained and caged, with the wind ruffling its feathers, eager to escape, than to see an eagle, likewise chained and caged, but chained by invisible binds, with a cage of only open space, without the will to fly away?
I have seen my mother beaten and the closest thing to a father sent to prison, I have watched my own family be ripped apart by selfish actions, I have dealt with the deaths from murder and suicide of my friends, and I have lived through everyone I have ever cared about leaving me to progress with their own lives, while I am still left in perpetual darkness. I am forever left, like a floating remnant of what was once a great ship, rocking on the wake left by passers by.
There's something I left out...
In my life, in my personal relationships, every time I end up with someone, romantically, I end up left behind, and they move on.
My first girlfriend went through several loves, probably will continue to for a while.
The second, after I left Maui, hit up with a guy whom she ended up having a kid with. And so on, and so on, and so on. Someone I nearly struck up a relationship with, last year, met a guy and has a kid now. A person who was close to me, who I believe I helped enormously (so much so that her current situation is directly because of my involvement in her life, and it's a positive situation)... All of these people who've meant something to me have moved on with their own lives, after I've lent my care and support to them... Yeah, even those who were broken, on the virge of ending their own lives, with no reason for breathing... I'm not so presumptious as to say that they found it in me, but I will say that I helped them turn on the light, so they could see the world around them.
All of this, and here I am, still left alone. I can help every person I meet, be a continual outlet for those who I care about who are in need, and yet still, they'll progress, and I'll be held back. As always.
Posted at 07:38 pm by Riffs_of_Life
"You can never break the chain"
This is something I just recently wrote, so I decided to post it.
Some people live their lives entirely in the black and white. Things are this way are that, right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable. They make decisions that they agree with or don't, believe in or don't, no middle ground. I am one of these people.
I have lived my life in the way I have experienced it. I can think of no other way to phrase it. But some people will go through their lives in a myriad of endless possibilities. We may never know at the time, what our parents, friends, co-workers or otherwise peers say when they say "You have such potential." They mean that you may indeed stitch your own weave in the multitude of possibilities in this world.
I think to myself that it's stupid, to be moved by a "motion picture", especially if it is the foliage and circumstance that you are moved by. I look at the parallels and I'm reminded of my time spent in Hawaii, my spiritual and emotional awakening. I watch the protagonist living a life completely different from mine. Wealthy parents, a tropical party setting, but still ripped with conflict. Only his conflict is his family; they are the ones with the problems, and he himself is striving to make a move on his own, for himself. That part isn't me; I'm the one with the problems.
I am confronted now by the decision, whether I will push myself to the fullest to "make something of myself", meaning an education, or whether I will do as I have done in the past - do what is convenient. I already know I work hard, I already know I am steadfast and righteous in my decisions. I already know what I am capable of, in the extent of what I have experienced already in life.
So where do I go from here? I am in debt, I am undereducated, regardless of my "intelligence". Intelligence says nothing if not backed by experience and wisdom. Wisdom I have. Experience I have not. I know nothing of the workings of college, or of a business educated capitalist world (which we live in)... In effect, I'm a boy, flipping burgers at McDonalds, feeding a guy in a BMW who makes $125,000 a year in the silicon valley. I am not content to fill a niche unless it is my own; I am not content to be happy with the meager life I have now. I am not content with things the way they are. But am I capable of changing my own situation?
Yes. I know my own capabilities. Changing the situation that I am in only requires the effort. Will I put that effort forth?
Let's hope so.
a shade of gray in the rainbow which is life.
Posted at 01:51 pm by Riffs_of_Life
"We will not negotiate with terrorists."
Hey, if you don't like what I have to say, FUCK YOU. I'm not writing this shit for your fucking benefit. I don't give a fuck if you don't like what I have to say. Bush is a fucking loser, was elected via fraud, and will probably be reelected via fraud. He's a fucking criminal, and you dumb shits are going to vote him back into office. Fuck you monkeys, with your closed minded view. He's fucked things up, that's the simple facts. The rest of the initial post follows. --X
I'm watching the noon news and I'm very, very upset.
Yet another US Civilian was executed by these fucking towelhead cocksuckers over in Iraq. I'm not racist, but trash is trash, the various names are just descriptive of it. White trash, spics, niggers, sand niggers and towel heads, fucking chinks, wops, fuck em all. If you're garbage you get a name for what color or ethnicity you are, I dont fucking care about how else they're used, and right now its the fucking sand niggers.
More and more and more of our soldiers are dying - over 800 since bush declared "Mission Accomplished"... Man I'm so pissed about this shit. People I don't know but who are my own age are over there dying for this FUCKING PRICK, and he can't even protect those who are there to help rebuild! You LOST the war on drugs, you LOST the war on terrorism, you LOST the war in iraq. How many people have to die before your ego takes a hit and you realize we've lost? We lost in that fucking war you ran from - viet fucking nam, and we've lost these wars -- All the wars you've started, we've lost. You can't find Bin Ladin, you can't find Al Qaeda, that stupid cocksucker Hutchinson couldn't find cocaine in Peru! You think he can stop the flow of illegal immigrants over the border? What the fuck is wrong with you?
You think that the economy is HEALING? Are you out of your fucking mind?
you know, NATO can get together to agree on rules of war - the way POWs are treated and the like, yet we cannot abolish war or get EVERYONE to agree, nor can we stop or stand in the way of those who don't agree. Is everyone fucking impotent? How many people have to die? At least a thousand right?! Do you even fucking care?!
Hey, George W... How many people died in nam, back when you deserted? How many people did Kerry save? How many people died because of your FUCKING IGNORANCE on Sept 11th?!?! How many MORE of OUR SOLDIERS will die in Iraq because you refuse to acknowledge the truth that you've lost?
Take daddy's puppet hand from out of your god damned colon and get a fucking GRIP. You've LOST and both soldiers AND civilians are dying because of your ignorance, not to mention the OVER 10 BILLION dollars that we DON'T HAVE that you've spent on this fucking war. We are losing more and more people because "The United States will not negotiate with terrorists."
Apparently it won't negotiate with terrorists, fight them, put up resistance, or attempt to rescue our fucking men from them. Fuck you bush. Fuck you up your stupid ass.
I'm too pissed to write any more, please, do your part, hit http://www.howardstern.com, register to vote, and vote kerry. You can do it right there on the websight. Please, get this fucking chimp out of office.
Posted at 01:16 pm by Riffs_of_Life
Good morning readers.
I don't have anything really special to talk about today, so I thought I'd just add lyrics to a song I like. This is from Crematory, the 2004 album called Revolution, this is "Farewell Letter". Enjoy.
Crematory - Farewell Letter
See the division of pathes
which decides about your divine ordinance
feeling a certain coldness
of a secret power that entangles the spirit
in memory of people
who would not exist without you
What would you give to live your life again?
What would you change with a second chance?
And could you learn from the mistakes?
I don't know...
Longing for the meaning of life
while breathing day in and day out
realize how slight it is
keep an eye on the universe at night
What would you give to live your life again?
What would you change with a second chance?
And could you learn from the mistakes?
Keep an eye on the universe at night...
Posted at 07:23 am by Riffs_of_Life
Words of inspiration from an unlikely source.
Today, I was thinking about spouting off about religion, until I was on my way home from work. Coincidentally, this is along the same lines.
I enjoy listening to Howard Stern; usually only when it coincides with something that I'm doing, usually driving, in the morning... like when I come home from work.
At any rate, a woman phoned in to have a letter to Howard read, claiming she knew him to be jesus resurrected. Obviously he took it seriously in making fun of her, etc. He also said something which I found to be rather inspirational, so here it is.
"Life on this earth is not easy. It is not meant to be easy. It is filled with both joys and sorrows."
Rock on, Howard.
Edit... I thought I would add a few more words from people who have entertained us.
"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." -- Bill Hicks.
"Wouldn't it be great to hear a positive acid story on the news? 'Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is mearly energy condensed through a slow vibration, we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imaginations of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.'" -- Bill Hicks.
"You know all that money we spend on the military ever year - trillions of dollars? Instead, if we use this money to feed and clothe the poor of this world, which it would do many times over, then we can explore space, inner and outer, together, as one race. --Bill Hicks.
One last, for closing.
"I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit." -- Bill Hicks.
Me too, Bill. Rest in peace.
Alright, so I've edited this page 3 or 4 times in the past few minutes, here's the last edit, with more quotes. Enjoy.
"Few are those who can see with their own eyes and hear with their own hearts." -- Albert Einstein.
"Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count on no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." -- Sean-Paul Sartre.
"Stop the mindless wishing that things would be different. Rather than wasting time and emotional and spiritual energy in explaining why we don't have what we want, we can start to pursue other ways to get it." --Greg Anderson, US basketball player.
"Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true." --Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Last one, something to really think as well as to act on.
"Go Confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." --Henry David Thoreau.
No time to start like today.
Posted at 08:04 am by Riffs_of_Life
All you need to know about me is that I'm a human
I populate planet Earth, along with the rest of you. I believe myself an individual in my own mind, if not in reality.
I believe life holds incredible beauty - visual, spiritual, emotional, audial, physicsal, and that all of us are capable of perceiving this beauty, if only we would wake up.
Life has this way of giving us too much to handle, at the time when we're at our most vulnerable, when all of our lives crumble at their foundations, and all of the people you hold dear and care about shun you and turn their backs, that is when life is at its worst. That is also when we are at our best.
Don't take for granted the things you have. Give thanks. A smile and a "good morning" can have a lasting effect on someone.
We are all people, we are all humans, we all populate this unforgiving planet and this harsh reality we call life. But together...
Together, we can make it through.
This too shall pass.
Good morning, and welcome.